Discussing money can be uncomfortable for many couples, often leading to financial secrets that may undermine even the strongest relationships. This is according to Kim Potgieter, a certified financial planner, author, and coach, who emphasised the importance of open communication about finances.
“Whether it’s hidden debt, undisclosed spending, or concealed savings, money secrets are more common than you think. But, these financial infidelities erode trust and create emotional barriers, especially when shared goals are on the line,” Potgieter said.
Why we keep money secrets
Potgieter said that money secrets are often driven by emotional triggers like fear, shame, or a need for control.
For example, a person who grew up in a household where money was the cause of conflict, might withhold financial information to avoid tension.
Other people might fear judgment or conflict and would therefore choose secrecy over transparency, even though these behaviours could damage the relationship.
“To truly address money issues, it’s essential to understand the emotional origins of these habits and work through them together as a couple. Recognising why these patterns exist is the first step toward eliminating them,” Potgieter said.
The real cost of money secrets
According to Potgieter, financial secrets have a way of surfacing through surprise debt or mistrust that can often create even bigger problems down the road.
“Without transparency, financial goals such as saving for retirement, paying down debt, or making significant purchases become derailed, creating a snowball effect on your financial future,” Potgieter said.
“Worse, it can create a sense of betrayal within the relationship, especially when decisions should be made together.”
Steps to take when having tough conversations about money
While having difficult conversations about money is uncomfortable it is also necessary.
Here are some steps to help you manage these tough discussions.
– Set your intentions
Ensure that the conversation is about building a transparent and secure future together. The conversation should not be about blame, instead it should be about moving forward.
– Address emotional triggers
It is crucial that people recognise the fear, shame, or guilt that may be driving some behaviours. Approach the conversation with empathy and try to understand the emotional roots of the secrecy.
– Create a safe space
The conversation should take place in an environment where both feel safe to speak openly. Both partners should listen to each other without interrupting, judging, or criticising.
– Speak about joint and separate finances.
Potgieter said that it is okay for couples to have separate accounts for individual interests or hobbies, but transparency is key. You should both know how money is being managed, and the financial plan is in line with your shared and individual goals.
Have regular conversations about money
Don’t wait for a crisis to have these talks. Set aside regular times to discuss:
– finances
– review goals
– adjust plans as needed.
Regular discussions ensures that money stays on the table and you avoid secrets creeping back into your relationship.
Staying the course
Couples need to remember that after having the initial conversation, the work does not stop.
Staying the course involves ongoing communication, creating a financial plan you can both commit to as well as regular check-ins to keep you aligned, prevent misunderstandings, and ensure financial health is a priority for both partners.
It’s also important to be patient as building transparency around money takes time, especially if financial secrets have existed for a while.
It is important to approach it one conversation at a time, making incremental changes that help build trust and confidence in your financial relationship.
Potgieter said: “Be kind to yourselves as you have these discussions and make your financial goals a shared journey.”
“If you can have one courageous conversation about money and make one small positive change, you're well on your way to a stronger financial future together.”
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