QUESTION: I'm 50 and because my father had Alzheimer's, I'm very keen to have a genetic test to see if I am likely to get it, too.
The problem is that my husband is adamant that he doesn't want to know and says that the test is a waste of money and that what will be, will be. I know that any test can't be totally accurate, but I would feel so reassured just to know what might be in store, even if it's bad news. I would feel more in control of my life.
Do you think I should go ahead and take the test in secret?
Yours sincerely, Bridget
ANSWER: The key to being a happy couple, I'm told, is being able to make happy compromises.
But sometimes, these compromises aren't possible. Ages ago, I knew a couple in which she, having suffered a lot already, didn't want further chemotherapy. He, on the other hand, desperate for her to live, was adamant that she should have it. What was the answer? It's a problem because there are three elements to a marriage, not two as most people think. There's him, her (or, of course, him and him or her and her) and the Relationship, or Them.
So, firstly, there is the matter of money. If all your money is shared, then I can see that it's a problem, you wanting to fork out for a test, and him being extremely anxious that your joint money shouldn't be spent this way. All you can do is to point out things that he spends money on that you have no interest in - it could be anything from golf clubs to books about the Second World War (sorry to be so sexist, but you get my drift; who knows, he might spend his money on expensive lectures or cross-dressing for all I know) - and say that, as you're prepared to fund his interests, so he should be prepared to fund yours. Genetic tests are not very expensive and if the worst came to worst, surely you could flog something on eBay to pay for one?
There's no question that you should be able to go ahead and have the test. And the answer to all this is not to do it in secret. That's not good for a relationship. No, tell your husband that you'll have the test but you won't tell him the results. You could ask your children if they'd like to know, and again tell them or not, as they wish.
As you say, this test won't give you a simple yes or no answer by any means. And even if it's positive, there's always the odd bus to be run over by before you get to that stage - and the chance that the illness won't even kick in at all. A genetic test can't really reassure you about how your brain will behave in later life, unfortunately. But if you knew that you had one of the genetic markers for Alzheimer's, then at the very first signs of becoming vague or muddled, you could get immediate help from your doctor, which might, when the time comes, be useful in the light of the treatment which will then be available.
Generally, the earlier the diagnosis, the smoother the outcome, even if an illness can't actually be avoided. You could also make plans for powers of attorney to be signed in advance, which would save your husband and children no end of trouble.
The Independent