Dear Prudence
The same day my husband and I learned he has incurable brain cancer, I also learned he has been regularly seeing and texting his ex-lover, probably for the entirety of our 14 years together.
“Bob” and “Vickie” worked together years ago. He was unattached; she had a boyfriend but started sleeping with Bob on the side. This continued through her engagement, and possibly right up to her wedding. The sex then ended but the communication continued.
Bob and I became a couple soon after. Both Bob and Vickie travel frequently for work, and I always suspected they were getting together occasionally. A few years ago I found a sexy picture of her and I confronted him and told him finding this picture devastated me. He apologised, got rid of the picture, and we moved on.
A few weeks ago I took Bob to the emergency room because he appeared to have had a stroke. The diagnosis was much worse: an aggressive brain cancer from which he will not survive. I accessed his cellphone (for the first time, he always kept it locked) and discovered almost daily text messages between Bob and Vickie. They were chatty and brief, but included sexual innuendo. Bob later admitted that although they never sleep together, he and Vickie get together a few times a year when travelling.
I am furious and sick over this betrayal, because I was (am?) so in love with him. If he weren't ill, I would throw him out. Instead I am staying, caring for my husband during what is likely to be the last year of his life. I am in torment every day, and when my husband does finally die, my memory of him will be forever tainted by his betrayal.
Sad but Staying
Dear Sad,
Everything is agony for you right now, and I'm not defending either Bob or Vickie, but I hope that in the time you have left together you and Bob can get past what you've discovered.
This secret friendship was out of bounds and I don't blame you for being furious and feeling betrayed. Bob knew you'd never approve of his staying in touch with Vickie, so he hid this from you. This was a small, walled-off portion of his life, but what matters is that Bob chose you, and continued to choose you.
You've had l4 good years together, and now you've committed to see him through to the end. Don't compound the pain of his impending death with incessant thoughts about this other woman. It would be easy to focus all your sadness, grief and anger on her, but what's important is that she's not important.
It's also better you found out now, rather than after his death, so that you weren't left to sort through this all alone. Bob needs you, and you need him. You also need someone to talk to - about this discovery, and more importantly about his illness and eventual death.
A good therapist, preferably one knowledgeable about grief and loss, will be a sounding board for you and help keep this violation from taking up more space in your life than it deserves. I'm sure you will be glad you stayed, and I hope you two find sweetness in the precious days you have left.
Prudie
* Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist, using the name Prudence. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Questions may be edited.
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